Looking how far I've come
by HiddenPortrait
Summary: Kai looks back on his friends and their trials. In the end he evaluates himself. almost angst.


Looking back, I realise I've come a long way.

Kai sat down and stared at the floor silently, his natural shyness surfacing. He waited patiently as the woman moved into a chair herself. He noticed how smartly she was dressed, as though she were going for a job interview or a funeral or something. She introduced herself in a friendly way, all the while smiling. He couldn't decide what type of smile it was, forced, one of pity, or one of genuine gladness to be speaking to him. It seemed to change when he wasn't looking.

"You know why I want to talk to you today?" she asked.

"something about the abbey" answered Kai coolly but without any contempt.

She smiled again, "yes. Recently it's become clear just what was going on behind closed doors. We're talking to as many of the boys as we can find to understand what state they are in after such an upbringing."

"You want to know if we're nuts?" Kai felt like smirking but kept a smooth face.

"well, in a manner of speaking that's part of it." She said this with such frankness that Kai was almost shocked, he'd expected much more talking around the topic, "do you still want to talk to me?"

So it was the shrink visit. He'd been expecting this ever since they'd found out about the abbey, he assumed they'd been putting it off just in case he was insane. He shrugged, "yeah why not?"

"Have you spoken to other people about this before?"

"No" he shook his head.

"Why not?"

He sighed, realising he couldn't just give a few one word answers and go back home, "never knew who to talk about it to. I did consider a shrink but I thought that would make me crazy"

"Many people who visit mental health professionals are perfectly sane, they just need to talk and even if you did have a problem it doesn't make you crazy." She gave a soft laugh.

"yeah, whatever" he mumbled.

"Have you ever met anyone with psychological problems before?" she inquired trying to start a conversation..

Now Kai gave a short ironic laugh, "everyone had problems in the abbey. It was just a case of how severe and would it interrupt the rest of their life."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone I knew, growing up like that will give you some issues I guess" he shrugged again.

"Like what?" she asked, as though it were a simple question. He assumed she'd seen it all.

"Oh everything under the sun. One kid had chronic nightmares and would sleep walk, he'd do strange stuff when he slept walk too. That was just annoying. Lets see…my friend had eating disorders." Kai was listing, simple droning listing. Kai hadn't thought about that in ages, of course he always thought of Tala and worried about him but it had been so long since he'd thought of when it all began. Tala had been so full of himself, so completely confident that Kai had thought he was a rock in the middle of an ocean of insanity. He used to be so full of energy but it happened so quickly. One day Kai had noticed he didn't eat his dinner, Tala insisted he wasn't hungry. It was such a ridiculous lie; they'd been working so hard all day. Kai thought he was sick and didn't want to stay in bed. He ignored it for a few days, maybe even weeks but it became impossibly clear that Tala was not eating nearly enough. He thought it was because Tala was one of the 'favourites', the pressure of perfection. He thought it was such a simple vain act, wanting to be thin. He watched as Tala refused himself food then after a few days he'd be starving and eat until he was sick. He watched as his friend's weight went up and down so dramatically and as he became pale, he'd never been pale before. Finally Tala became so thin, like paper. He was so fragile, never before had Kai seen a person look so breakable. Kai could no longer just watch and so one night he confronted his friend.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" were his exact words, "do you want to be sick? Are you trying to get sent home or something?"

"what I eat is my own business, nobody can tell me what or when to eat!" Tala told him, glaring but on his thin face it looked ghostly, "besides no ones noticed so it can't be that bad."

Kai just stared as Tala strode away, now he knew why. Tala had just wanted control, like them all. He just wanted something that was his and his alone to decide. He also wanted someone to notice, to care. Anger took over Kai and he hit Tala, as soon as he'd done it he felt bad, after all Tala was so delicate now.

"I'm sorry" he apologised not only for hitting him but for not realising and for being helpless to stop it.

Tala held his cheek, "Catcha on the field" he said his voice missing the cheer it once had, when had that happened? When had he stopped being Tala and started being the wraith that haunted abbey?

It was months later when as the two walked into their shared bedroom Tala collapsed. Kai had been so scared, he'd been so unsure of what to do. Getting help would mean dobbing Tala in and that was betrayal, no one betrayed the others in the abbey. Tala quickly came to and for the first time Kai saw him as pathetic. Tala had been a leader, someone to look up to, someone to aspire to be now he was a helpless child clinging in fear and grief.

"Am I gonna die Kai?" he asked. Kai couldn't answer. The next morning it was if nothing had happened. Tala never mentioned it to Kai and Kai never mentioned it to Tala, after a while Kai began to think he'd imagined it all but the way Tala would look at him sometimes made him sure it was real. Tala put on some more weight; he never became that thin again. He still controlled his food strictly and would sometimes lose or gain weight, his colour never returned. Even when his eyes and voice began to return to the way it used to be something was missing. Tala was never the same.

"Do you want to tell me a bit about that friend?" asked the woman.

Kai shook his head, "nah I've dealt with that and it's his story to tell, not mine."

"you don't want to betray your friend?"

"You never, ever betray your comrades at the abbey." He explained.

"or what?"

"no it's not like that, it's not a threat. You just don't do it because we're all in the same situation."

"and no one ever broke that trust?"

"Yeah, once I know of. My friend, his best friend killed himself"

Another thing Kai had forgotten for so very long. He couldn't remember the boys name, Peter? Andrew? It didn't matter because he was gone now. It was all hushed up; the only way Kai knew he'd killed himself was because he was friends with Spencer. Spencer became strange after that, twisted, obsessed. He now wanted to know where that irrevocable line lay, between life and death, sanity and insanity, pain and pleasure. It became his entire life was knowing, knowing it all. He would test it as often as possible on whoever happened to get in his way. He took comfort in the fact that through lots of experimentation he could know just how far he could go. Kai saw him torturing animals, other kids at the abbey and when he was brave the adults at the abbey. Boris encouraged this new 'power' of his. Spencer had been a friend but he wasn't even an associate anymore, with anyone. The way he looked at people, not as though he were seeing another person but as though he was seeing another experiment, another victim, something completely inconsequential. He no longer asked for help, or involved himself in idle conversations. He was alone, completely alone no matter how many people stood with him. Once he overheard a conversation, it was the other boy who used to be best friends with him and the dead boy. He was pleading that Spencer stop acting so cold, that he come and be friends again, that he realised how much he was missing out on.

"You'll just leave me or I'll leave you" Spencers voice held some emotion, more then it had for a long time.

"I won't, I promise I won't. Spencer I miss you. I want to hang out again and I'm worried about you"

"no, go away, shut up" Spencer sounded-was it scared?

"Spencer listen to me! You're become strange and that's why I'm worried! I'm not doing this to upset you, I would never try to upset you because I care about you!" the boy was close to shouting.

Kai saw Spencer knock the other boy down, "Get the hell away from me!" he ran past Kai and he would swear that Spencer looked frightened, no more then frightened completely terrified. At first Kai wanted to forget the whole incident but he slowly came to the realisation, Spencer was scared of having a friend. He didn't want to be hurt again and so by looking at people as pointless he wouldn't have to be worried of it happening again. Self imposed loneliness is always better then one forced upon you. Spencer still had a soul and a heart he just ignored them.

For the first time the woman seemed a little surprised, "and that is considered betrayal?"

"They were best friends, like brothers. You don't leave someone behind." Kai said simply.

"what do you think of it?"

"it was fucking stupid of him, once you're dead you're gone, there's no hope for the future"

"did you know the boy?"

"not really."

After a few moments silence she continued, "is that all?"

"no, I told you everyone had issues. One kid would light fires, we all knew who it was but we never told, it was funny."

"did anyone ever get hurt?"

"nah, he left before it got too serious, he didn't make the cut so he was sent home." Kai thought for a few seconds. Later that year there had been string of fires in the area, he always wondered if it had been the same person. He could imagine his eyes reflecting the fire as he watched it burn and destroy; that maniacal smile. He wondered if the boy ever got help, if he died in a fire or they moved away and he terrorised some other community. "a lot of kids ended up being gay" he said off handedly.

"Homosexuality is not a mental disease Kai" she sounded almost reprimanding.

He shrugged, "whatever, I just don't see the odds of that many people in the abbey just being 'born that way'"

"Are you gay?" she asked, as if weren't a totally personal question.

"Nope"

"Do you dislike gay people?"

"Why should it matter to me who somebody takes to bed? As long as it doesn't affect my life people can do as the please."

She wrote something down, he was sure she thought he was gay but he didn't care, he thought she was an idiot, "so what about you Kai?" she finally asked.

"huh?"

"You said everybody in the abbey had problems what is yours?"

"that's a bit personal" he retorted, "anyway I dunno, people never know when they have a problem do they? I left really young as well, kids bounce back from things. I get along well with people, I have friends and I'm successful."

"Do you ever have nightmares about the abbey?"

"nah, I dealt with all that a long time ago. Listen life was hard there but that's over I left and even though my grandfather wasn't the best role model I grew up alright."

"so you don't think you have any problems?"

Kai knew he wasn't normal, not like other kids. Then again he'd never really met anyone he'd consider normal. Maybe normal didn't exist? But was there something that set him apart even more? Was there some part of his personality that made him scary? Dangerous? Insane? He'd never thought about it before but as he sat there examining everyone else how could he ignore himself? Here he judged those who acted without remorse, without logic, or without feeling. Those who held onto things, objects, beliefs religiously even at their own peril. Those who just didn't fit in with society. Was this a hypocritical judgement? Was he just like them? He was silent except for his patterned breathing, completely lost within himself.

"Kai?"

He looked up, "me? I'm mildly obsessive compulsive; I have bouts of self hatred and probably suffer from some depression. I have an array of stupid phobias, I have little trust of strangers and I am more then a little over protective of my friends. No matter how many times I see its wrong I still try and fix things with violence, I have insomnia and even when I do sleep I wake up at the smallest sound. Oh and I can be highly suggestible. I'm sure there's more. In the end you can count off all the things technically wrong with me but they're not problems"

The woman smiled, "not to you?"

"or anyone I give a damn about." He smirked, "some people even find my quirks…charming"

She wrote something down again. He wondered just how crazy she thought he was.

"well thank you for talking to me today Kai." She grinned like an idiot.

He wanted to roll his eyes but replied politely, "that's ok." He stood to leave.

"aren't you interested in what my conclusions are?" she asked, "all the other boys were most interested."

"I don't need you to validate who I am." He answered honestly, "Besides curiosity killed the cat. Later" he walked out. Once on his way home he sighed, it was a very strange day. To think that so much had happened and he could forget about it, he could forget who or what he had been. He smiled, it didn't matter though, all that mattered was who he was now.

"Hey Kai!" Tyson was grinning as he entered the yard, "have fun?"

"yes Tyson, in fact it was actually a giant party with piles of food" he rolled his eyes.

"really?!"

"I think Kai's joking" chuckled Max.

"huh? He knows what a joke is?"

"I'm looking at one right now" Kai smirked.

Tyson pouted, "takes one to know one!"

"very mature Tyson" Kenny shook his head.

"c'mon I'll shout you all pizza for dinner" said Kai smiling.

"really? You're a bang up guy Kai!" Tyson hugged him.

"uh Tyson…you're choking our captain" Rei laughed.

Kai shoved Tyson away, "you're too heavy, no pizza for you!"

Tyson looked up with puppy dog eyes, "awww"

"fine, one slice" Kai tried to look serious then laughed, "Go get ready. I have a few calls to make" Kai walked inside, picked up the cordless phone and wandered into his bedroom. It took a few minutes to find his address book. He carefully typed in a number.

"…privyet?" (1)

"Hi Tala, it's me Kai. How ya doin'?"

_Name: Hiwatari, Kai_

_Age:17_

_Sex: Male_

_Comments: Kai had numerous psychological ailments most stemming from his childhood at the abbey. However he is no in any way a danger to himself or others and has managed to assimilate into a normal society remarkably well._

_Suggested follow up: Follow up session is requested as to ascertain just how he managed to become such a normal young man._

AN: (1) hello in Russian.

Hmmm, I read something in a magazine (womens magazines are great inspiration!) and here it is. I never saw Kai as angsty as others. Sure he had issues but don't we all? He always just seemed friendly to me just mature in knowing that people have to solve their own problems. heh heh …strange strange girl! This is a one shot even though I know its left open ended. When one writes, they write to answer a question but it's also important to ask one as well, don't you think? Now you can all ponder what Tala would say, what Kai does then and well….the possibilities are endless! ; maybe I am strange? Actually I'd love someone else to write the next chappie, I would love to see where someone else would take this but that seems pretty presumptuous that someone would want to…anyways love ya!


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